So here we are, the 10th day in 2014, I am once again feeling the strength in me, at this moment. I just keep telling myself that don't let the past to trip me and hold me back. As I knew the only way to have a better year is to open my heart and welcome the things ahead. Now I'm not only making-believe, but I truly believe 2014 will just even be better, since I already can feel the heart of God is guiding me to the wise direction by telling me that there's no fear about being changed. Instead, the inner peace is glowing.
I'm letting go of what the thoughts that do not make me strong. So I have things to confess.
First of all - about flaws:
Before forgiveness, I never ask to be a blank-sheet perfect person. I wasn't expecting people and circumstances in my life could keep me from harm and flaws too. I understand the truth of being real and focusing on appreciating what we've got, is to burry the flaws that marked.
The second thought - about forgiveness:
I had learnt to make plenty of mistakes in the past year; I allowed myself to these happening. So then I asked for forgiveness when I was ready. Asking for the people who I had lied to, I cheated on, and how I disappointed them to kindly forgive me. I first thought the trust would falling apart, the existence would lose its importance. Just then you have shown me what love and support are: to forgive my past, loving my present and embracing my future.
So after all, did I ever ask for my own forgiveness on every sin I would call? No. I forgot the fact that I was hurting myself as well. Certainly it was all my volunteerly choice, but I just did not love myself as much as others do, like God do. I unconsciously kept myself in the dark shadow for punishment. I had made myself not to talk much about it in the past months, because I think I don't deserve to talk about my pain or broken heart that I led on. At every moment I thought I had moved on, it would just haunted me like a strike all over again. By the very end of it, I came to realize I have to fully accept myself for being myself, so I could forgive myself. I guess I? Or some kind of magical force had pulled me out of the bottom among some of those days.
Last thought - about changes:
This is the always the hardest part in my lessons. I can't deny I'm way too comfortable in a stabilized life with constancy. Uncertainty and unknown will never grab my curiosity, and breaking through is never meant to cross my mind.
Then I remember what they say is, if we wait until we are ready, we will always be waiting for the rest of our lives. It makes perfect sense to me all of a sudden. I seemingly get to understand the meaning of opening my heart and to step out of my comfort zone for my own sake. It'll repay me by finding all the changes are meant to come around and advanced myself in a better place.
Then the previous long-waiting year had just gone like that.
Not to mention, the last day in 2013 was the day I cried really bad. Of course I did not know I would be that emotional. It was hard for us to say, for us to take.. Somehow, I guess it was finally a relief when we both came to agree we had done trying things between us, and we are willing to leave all of those behind. So then I promised I'll be happy in each coming day as you wished. For what it's worth, thank you for your love once, and every word that you meant to say. You taught me a great lesson that will carry on with my life. If you were trapped with constraints, then I'll be the one who is heading to a greater future with freedom. You'll miss me more than I do, I knew that. I just knew it.
God knows I've tried hard to look at the bright side. He will help those who are helping themselves. I know He always do.
Although I still think 2013 wasn't the worst, and yet I have faith in 2014 will become even better! :)
